If you are thinking about breaking up with your partner, then break up with your partner. Threatening to repeatedly leave the relationship unless your partner changes a behavior you don’t like can be a form of control. *Please note, this article is intended to be read from the perspective of someone using abuse who is trying to control their partner’s behavior*
“A threat is trying to get someone to do what you want them to do,” says Mary Jane McCarthy, JBWS’ professional training manager. “You can’t make somebody else change and when we threaten to break up with someone if they don’t start doing something differently, then we’re trying to force them to change.”
There are three choices in a relationship: 1) to remain the same, 2) to choose to make some changes upon noticing problematic or unhealthy behaviors, or 3) to leave the relationship. It is never wrong to leave a relationship. There are times when a relationship simply cannot survive, or it is no longer healthy to be in that relationship. However, people using abuse may repeatedly threaten to break up with someone if they don’t change their behaviors and it keeps the victim of abuse in constant fear.
“We never want to talk about ending a relationship unless that is actually where we are headed,” says Mary Jane. “By threatening to break up with someone if they keep engaging in behaviors you don’t approve of, you’re trying to force the other person to change. That’s not a healthy thing to do, we can’t force somebody else to change.”
That doesn’t mean you can’t express your concerns. Jealousy, insecurity, and anxiety are emotions that can come up even in healthy relationships. It’s okay to mention these feelings to your partner and express concern for things you may have noticed. Together, you can talk about these emotions and the feelings they bring up to have a constructive conversation. There is a big difference between: ‘If you keep going to happy hour after work, I’m going to break up with you” and ‘When you go to happy hour after work every day, it takes a lot of time away from our family and makes me feel unsupported at home.”
“It’s okay to say, I’m not sure how to deal with this and see what the other person says,” says Mary Jane. “When you threaten to leave the relationship, there is no room for communication. You’re trying to get them to do what you want, you’re trying to control them, and nobody has the right to control anyone else.”
Examples of threatening to leave:
- If you don’t stop going out with your friends, I’m going to break up with you
- If you keep mentioning this topic, I’m going to break up with you
- If you tell your parents about this, I’m going to break up with you
- If you talk to people I think you’re attracted to, I’m going to break up with you
Resources:
- If your partner tries to control who you see, what you do, or belittles you for expressing feelings, or doesn’t make you feel safe to address issues in your relationship, JBWS is here to help.
- Visit JBWS.org/about-domestic-violence to learn more or visit JBWS.org/services for help.
- Concerned that you’re in a controlling relationship? Learn more.
