The term healthy fighting might send oxymoronic but that doesn’t mean it’s untrue. It is possible to fight with your partner in a healthy way and to disagree with respect.
“In some ways, it is healthy to have disagreements”, says Mary Jane McCarthy, the Professional Training Manager at JBWS, “But what the disagreement looks like though, is whether or not it’s healthy.”
What Are The Core Elements of Healthy Fighting?
Healthy fighting revolves around core elements of respect, kindness, and communication.
- Stick to one topic: Focus on a specific behavior or situation, one that your partner can actually control and change. Express the way this action makes you feel and avoid criticizing their character. Do not use this as an opportunity to bring up old arguments or past grudges. Focus solely on the current issue and how you can resolve that together.
- Avoid absolutes: Phrases like “you always” or “you never” feeds into a cycle of disagreement. For instance, saying “you always spend too much money” or “you’re never home before dinner” allows the other person to debate you. They can point out all the times they didn’t spend a lot or the times when they were home in time for dinner. It diverts the conversation away from the specific action and creates a cycle of misunderstanding. Take a team-based approach and focus on specific examples.
- Don’t aim to hurt: You never want to go into an argument looking to “win” or to get revenge on your partner. If your goal is to hurt them as badly as they hurt you, then the disagreement will not be healthy and will make matters worse. If you’re arguing with someone you care about, focus on how you can talk about the issue as a team. If you try and “win” the argument, then everyone loses.
- Respect for each other is the most important thing.
Taking Breaks Supports Healthy Fighting
Breaks during a fight are important because it allows people to cool down and shows a level of respect for your partner. The most important part is to finish talking about the argument after the break. If the argument begins to move away from a different topic and begins to focus on different things, that is a great time to take a break.
“If we have gone off the original topic, take a break. Then when we come back, let’s talk about the original topic and then maybe set a time to talk about some of these other things that are coming up,” said Mary Jane.
Setting guidelines for a time-out, or break, beforehand is important too. “When we leave an argument, especially when we leave the house, the other person feels abandoned and scared,” explained Mary Jane. This is why having a plan beforehand is critical in showing respect for both partners in a relationship.
When Healthy Fighting Isn’t Possible – Signs The Relationship is Abusive
Fights are going to happen in every single relationship, it’s unavoidable. However, there is a distinct line between a disagreement and abuse. Be on the look out for:
- Control: The goal of the argument becomes control. One partner wants to ensure that their wants and desires dominates the other person’s.
- Negotiation stops. If one voice is overpowering the other, belittling you, or refusing to listen then this may be a sign that the argument is unhealthy.
- It’s always your fault, even when you are trying to fix the problem and make the relationship healthier. Your partner may lead you to believe that you are at fault for their behavior and that if you changed something, then the abuse would stop. (This is not true, no one causes abuse).
- You’re afraid. If you are afraid to bring up emotions or problems with your partner, that may be an indication that the relationship is unhealthy. You should feel safe from emotional and physical harm when talking to your partner about an issue.
Learn More About Healthy Fighting by Streaming JBWS’ Podcast
Resources for Support:
- JBWS 24-Hour Helpline (1.877.782.2873) to talk through options and how to move forward or visit jbws.org/services to learn about programs for support.
- If you recognize controlling behaviors in yourself, please visit jbws.org/jcnjv or call 973.539.7801. If you are in an unhealthy relationship and in need of safety planning, please visit this page.
- If you don’t live in Passaic or Morris County call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1.800.799.7293
