How does cultural identity impact a Hispanic victim’s journey to safety? Are there cultural messages about family, gender roles, and silence that can complicate leaving? To answer these questions, Maria Rojas, Marlena Moersdorf, and Lády Ruiz from the Morris County Organization for Hispanic Affairs came on JBWS’ podcast Unsilenced: Real Conversations About Abuse. Below is a brief summary of the conversation.
Why do you think there is a culture of silence around domestic violence in the Hispanic community?
Maria Rojas: Well, first, I never remember hearing anything about domestic violence at home, school, or anywhere in our culture. So, [often times] you don’t even know you’re being a victim of domestic violence. You don’t know that domestic violence is happening in your household, because you’re not aware of that. There is awareness and education we have to do with our community. Some of them don’t even want to hear about domestic violence because of the stigma. They are afraid to be marked as a victim. And culturally, we don’t do that, we stay silent.
There is a quote that we use a lot in Spanish [that translates to] “Being in silence, you look beautiful.”
Can you explain what “being in silence, you look beautiful” means?
Maria Rojas: It’s something we’re told as children when the parents are talking. But, as we grow up, I think it stays with us. It’s something our grandparents and great grandparents also experienced. So, we have that history that tell us that we have to be quiet [about abuse.] Everything that happens in the house, stays in the house. You don’t tell your friends, you don’t tell your family, or anyone.
So many people are living with abuse right now, and they might not even realize it, whether that’s because it’s been acceptable to them, or they haven’t been taught to challenge it. How do you think family values impact the recognition and normalization of abuse?
Maria Rojas: Family has a lot to do with it. I’ve heard women saying, “I told my mother I was going through this, and she told me, ‘It’s okay, he’s paying for the bills.” Or “I went through the same thing with your father or your grandma went through the same thing with your grandfather and we’re fine, we’re here, nothing happened to us. We’re alive.”
When that happens, you think “I’m doing something wrong, everybody is going to find out, and the family is going to look bad.” It has a very big impact because [victims] don’t want their family to be disappointed in team because family means everything to us.
Lády Ruiz: It really comes down to the person feeling like the world is in their hands. They feel like my life, my world, my family is in my hands. As Maria was saying, you’re disappointing family members, you have your Abuelita telling you that this is normal, this is fine. I’ve had my grandma personally say, ‘it’s better to be with the bad you know, than the good unknown.”
How do you think a victim of abuse in the Hispanic community would feel telling their family that they are experiencing abuse? Knowing these complications.
Lády Ruiz: When victims are faced with the decision of telling their family and they think “okay, I have to do this for myself.” To them, it feels selfish, right? But when they make the connection that it also effects their children, and that it’s trickling down to everyone else in the family, it’s almost a relief. Because now, they’re talking about the abuse for their children, not just themselves.
Maria Rojas: It’s really hard that we leave abusive relationships for ourselves. That’s really hard because we’re always looking to improve somebody else. I have a lot of women come into my office and say, “I don’t want this to happen anymore to my family. I am going to do it for my grandmother. I am going to do it for my future kids.” Or “my kids told me, mom what is happening is domestic violence.”
It’s interesting to me that you say this because why do you think there’s such a conditioning to not think about your needs and your wants? Or what would you want to convey to somebody who does think it’s selfish to think about themselves in this situation?
Marlena Moersdorf: It is access to seeing something different in your community because if that’s all you’ve been taught and that’s all you know, you’re not going to see something different.
Lády Ruiz: When I think about courses that you should have an elementary school or high school. There should also be a class on loving yourself, right? It’s not given the importance that it needs.
Learn more about this topic by listening to this episode of Unsilenced: Real Conversations About Abuse.
