Punching a hole in the wall is something that has become somewhat normalized in moments of anger or frustration. The internet is filled with articles, social media posts, and videos of people discussing whether or not this is problematic.
“So many people have said to me, ‘I punched a hole in the wall. It’s my own wall. I’m the one who has to fix it, what’s the problem?’” says Mary Jane McCarthy, JBWS’ Professional Training Manager. “The problem is the message punching a hole in the wall is sending to the people around you.”
If you and your partner are having an argument and your partner is yelling and trying to get their way, how would you feel if they suddenly turned around and punched a hole in the wall? By unleashing their anger onto the wall, they’re communicating a clear message. They’re saying: “look at how much power I have, look at how much strength I have, and I have just enough control not to use that strength on you, but if you keep doing what you’re doing, next time I might not have that much control.”
While it’s normal to feel bursts of frustration or anger in response to a distressing situation, punching a wall isn’t a healthy release of those feelings. Going for a walk, taking a few deep breaths, lifting weights, playing a sport, or intentionally using coping skills to calm down are much healthier ways to handle those emotions.
“There is a big difference between punching a wall in front of your partner in the middle of a heated argument and removing yourself to go for a run,” says Mary Jane. “Handling our emotional responses in a healthy way communicates to your partner, ‘I have control over myself. I am going to get this energy out so I can come back and talk to you.’”
Society has normalized unhealthy coping mechanisms but when you punch a wall, slam your fist onto a table, or throw items in the middle of an argument, you are intimidating the people around you. It makes them fearful to upset you and could control their behavior in the future.
“Going for a walk, taking two deep breaths, or even just sitting down during an argument can deescalate things almost immediately,” says Mary Jane. “We want to develop healthy coping skills so we can have conversations instead of intimidating our loved ones.”
Resources:
Learn how to fight with your partner in a healthy way.
If you recognize intimidating or controlling behaviors in yourself, JBWS can help. Visit JBWS.org/JCNV. If you’re in an unhealthy relationship, please visit jbws.org/services.
